Just a vent

I know that with being pregnant, I was going to have to expect more doctor's visits. What I didn't expect was that my endocrinologist visit would be such a whirlwind (for three hours at the office), and that I would be tethered to my blood glucose meter.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I know that my diabetes and my hypothyroidism can have an effect on the baby, and I've been doing my best to keep them both in check. I've been good about checking my blood sugars, but obviously not good enough.

This weekend (after the disastrous visit to the endocrinologist), I find myself with an implant - a continuous monitoring system that they will remove on Monday. The idea is that  I might get one for myself (not that I want one - trust me. I hate feeling like the bionic woman) to help me keep track of what my blood sugar is all of the time. I kind of hate having it in me, but there's not much that I can do about it. The problem with this monitor is that I am blind to it, so even though I am having my levels monitored continuously, I am also having to watch very carefully what I eat (carb counting), and checking my blood sugars twice as often.

As if I wasn't stressed out enough to begin with. I'm tired of not having enough money every month, but I can't seem to get a sub job for a variety of different reasons - Tom's car needed the water pump replaced, I've had doctors appointments right and left, and I've been working part-time at Sylvan and continue to teach for UoP, but I'm just afraid that it isn't going to be enough. Don't even get me started on what we are going to do after the baby gets here. I haven't a clue, and the worry keeps me up at night (again, stress isn't good for the baby either).

Maybe I'm just worried that I'm already not a good mother, and I haven't even given birth to our child yet. I really hate feeling like a failure to begin with.